No, I do not always forgive, and I don’t have to…

You don’t always have to forgive this is a common misnomer in fact forgiveness is not always even appropriate, not helpful, downright offensive or harmful and forgiving may be the worst thing you can do.

I was extremely abused as a child and I see more importance for people who have been so deeply abused like me or worse, to do grieving more than forgiveness. the loss of our innocence, loss of our trust, loss of our peace of mind and often a loss of our hope that extreme abuse can bring.

The stages of grieving are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life. The 5 stages of grieving are: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience that almost nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.

Redefining and recreating a purposeful, meaningful life poses enormous physical, social, and psychological challenges to our moving through and past our grieving to accept the reality of the loss; to work through to the pain of grief; to adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing; and to emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.

When loss pertains to more intangible sources of grief such as prolonged abuse and trauma, one size does not fit all. Adult survivors of child abuse, beset by complex post-traumatic stress disorder often grapple with persistent complicated bereavement disorder. They are plagued by persistent yearnings for the love and normalcy they never had. They are weighed down by innumerable intangible losses such as safety, dignity, belonging, and a cohesive sense of self.

For adult survivors of chronic child abuse the notion of ‘family as sacrosanct’ is a principle which fosters confusion, alienation, shame, and outrage. Anecdotal forgiveness seems to be the standard advice handed out to survivors of abuse. Survivors are advised to offer absolution to the abusive parent irrespective of whether the abuser has attempted any sort of restitution. Recipient of the 1996 Lifetime Achievement Award from the International society for Traumatic Stress Studies, Dr. Judith Herman, refers to the aforementioned construct as the forgiveness fantasy.

Dr. Herman states, “Forgiveness is a relational process. “‘I forgive you’ is the response to a heartfelt apology and request for forgiveness. If the apology is never made, the process of forgiveness cannot take place. And “genuine contrition in a perpetrator is a rare miracle.” Under these circumstances the abuse survivor must establish a personal pathway for grief resolution, while struggling with collective judgments, which fail to appreciate the enormous complexity and singularity of the survivor’s loss.

References

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/disturbed/201208/why-you-dont-always-have-forgive

http://www.apa.org/pubs/books/4317358.aspx

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/is-psychology-making-us-sick/201409/6-reasons-not-forgive-not-yet

http://psychcentral.com/lib/grief-healing-and-the-one-to-two-year-myth/

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

http://www.examiner.com/article/grief-resolution-for-adult-abuse-survivors

 The “Free Will” Debate.

To me, we have a “will” that is lesser or greater all the time, not really “free will” as some think and that does not remove how in a general way, we tend to have something close to free will. Think if we had true “free will” we would never be limited by influences such as environments, or our fight-or-flight response, or our tend and befriend behaviors. We do not start the world as blank slates, nor does it take long to recognize the beginnings of morality in humans, we see it is babies at around a few months old not after they learn religion nor any philosophy. I see our ebbing and flowing will, one that at times we feel 100% free of will does not equal a mind 100% free-thinking devoid of any basis when we know such thinking errors are the rule, not an unlikely accident. Choose wisely.

I see our will as at times possibly close to what people think of as free will. But such a time is not fixed or lasting and ranges up and down during the day and is in no way actually regulated. As in think of the moment you hear of a crushing loss, could you make truly clear-headed moral reasoned decisions? I do not know about you, but I likely could error being so emotionally hijacked in my thinking. I believe generally most can but there is not just one thinking state nor is simple awareness the came as a critical reflection over days on one idea. is just swimming in our cognitive motivations stemming from both external and external influences thus we are not as free as we believe but yes, we have some “will”, I do not know if free is the best word as it could give a wrong impression or exaggerated explanation and maybe why there is all the confusion.

I am not trying to just push one thinking without thinking, rather I seek to desire truth even if it is being spoken from the mouths of others. I strive to be a free thinker with only reason as my master and humanity in my heart. May I use all the will I have to be the best me I can be, may I be a good human. To me, we are responsible to do what is of value. not ego, not pride, not self-dealing, but genuinely embody a heart of kindness, one that breathes deep a care for humanity. When we stop focusing our great minds on better ways to kill, we can focus on ideas that heal.

I do realize there is always the individual (with their own experiences, past, support, supplies, or needs) and even the ideas of group, family, of brothers and sisters are cultural labels to connect but the individual is the only real thing the entire time just with different shared experiences that themselves contain individual, not an actual group experience.

Whenever I hear arrogant people philosophizing that we can’t know if life is real. I can only think, WoW, what a disgusting level of privilege… I lived through a hellish abused filled childhood that has forever created a dark cloud on my mind and thus entire life of PTSD. So fuck off, with questioning reality you need to check your privilege to even have lived a life of such ease to think such nonsense.

I was born in Long Beach, southern California in 1971 

I would take on the emotional weight of the world, just to save one child from abuse.

If the only rights you fight for are your own then you have a lot to learn about the value of rights. Be a good human who is kind! We need you…

Did you assume on ME?

I was born in Southern California, I was brought into a sick unkind world. I was raised by sick unkind people. I was a light in the dark for my family is way too fond of staying sick unkind people. I was first abused by my first memory. How sad a tale my abused life was. I was treated by a way of unkindness in the most inhuman way.

No Philosopher, I?

I am good at philosophy but this is not due to anyone philosopher than my wife. I don’t read any of them not even one. They are cool I would assume but bore to me and I get philosophy better than some Academic philosopher professors as they have to remember some idea, person, or book to motivate or generate their ideas. I am so naturally creative, I could make it up new every time with not too much trouble, as I think naturally as a philosopher as I am a deep thinker not as a choice but as an internal addictive compulsion to know and understand everything I wish to. As I am will to power.

Just a scared kid… 

I am just a scared kid that grew up looked around at an unkind world and wondered why do the allow it to be this way? How does this unkind would not make them ill at such sad inhumanity? I see it all and my heart grows darker with shame. how did we let such an emotional sickness become a pandemic and why are so few people seeing any need for the mask or life kindness can be it can shield us from a storm, it is the very thing that keeps us warm, kindness.

The eyes of the world predicted my failure but here I am, I am a survivor, No longer do I hide my face, I no longer fear a fall from your grace for I find my courage plain as day in the human race, may I be a good human. May I put truth above all and valiantly thrust a crusade for truth and caring, which will help show love can and will, in the end, win, if only in my black heart so often close to that Deadman’s plank. I am a fighter, I don’t need you to save me, I don’t need your empty claims of magic in the world, a stumbling block to many, yet, I am no longer one of them, I am will to power.

Say the truth plainly don’t allow pretend but do so with a caring desire to teach as one would to a friend. May I be a caring firebrand atheist. One, with an awakened humanity fully alive in my humanist heart. Desiring to demonstrate my humanitarianism as I fully stand up for truth. It is not either-or but both reality as well as kindness revolutionaries. Ones, who should, be strongly speaking what is right as the truth is not pretended. I am bound by the limitations we all face but may I bravely be a good human past it all…

No one was on my side when I started. So, I decide to be on my side, because, damn, I am worth it. Don’t give up if others are not rooting for you, do it for yourself. Other’s lack of a complement does not tell you how well you did. May, I always strive for my best, no matter who is on my side or not. To yourself be true. I don’t do kindness, rather I strive to live in kindness.

What an odd turn of fate. 

To be one never protected, by the world like a child being abused, when I need you the most. And here I am, the one who gives kindness back to the world freely in a way not afforded me. What an odd turn of fate. It is a very honorable human who strives to help when their lives had little of that. I am proud to say, I too, am such an individual. I am like a candle in the dark. I only wish to help bring light to the world.  I don’t find it as any example of mental health to live in this world and it not bother you at all. Me, I cry inside for all who suffer. You are not alone, I see you. What happens to the ones forgotten harms the humanity of us all. Be a good human do all you can, lives are on the line. How could one of honor do any different?

Have you ever made a graduate list? It is an amazing mind and heart-opening gift to you and your humanity. Be emotionally considerate of others. I have said it before, although I am a very wise person, the wisest thing I have ever done was to be kind.  Feel free to share anything from me or about me. I hide from no one. I am an open person with an open life. I feel the personal is political. Do you feel like you are liking to many of my posts or think there is some limit to how much you can respond? I say feel free to be you but be kind. I want to thank all of you for your support that you did give and the acknowledgment you have shown me. I love you all.

My people are the ones who are kind.

Do you know what I am? An authentic life expressing itself. My wife just told me the most amazing way to look at my abuse of being alone from my family. That I was not truly raised by them. That is why I stayed such a beautiful human. Damn, I fucking love my wife. I scream to the world, “I win” because I know in the letting go I can. If you know of god, what Exemplary behaviors are you doing in the world? Because I am told by you that God is love. Just a heads up, one of my least favorite things is unkind people.  My thinking is strong like a bomb and deep like the ocean as well as so creatively imaginative it is as if a star shining brightly.

I never believed you that I couldn’t change the world and I still don’t!  

We rise by helping each other.

Hug the pain away?

One of the worst things this virus has done to me is it has stolen my ability to hug strangers. I love everyone. I don’t even like handshakes. I always think, what the hell, and have I just bought something? I want to boldly and openly apologize to the world for my past harm of unkindness, I truly have tried to change. I ask for your understanding, for back then, I was not brave enough to be kind.  I hurt people from age 5 to age 22. I am now 48 and rethinking my long-ago actions. May I be, naturally therapeutic.  Sometimes it’s good to get away from people and just breathe without expectations that glorious free being you are.  I have worked hard in my life but another true fact is I have basically lived paycheck to paycheck most of my life. I understand working people.

How can you tell if you are loved?

I assumed I was not really cared about but maybe some? No, not much at all. Here is another one of my sad life stories. Let’s just call it the store.

“The Store”

For so many there is no place like home. Me, I wanted to be any place but my father’s house.

I am not sure how old I was, but I think 11 to 13 years old. I was raised in a very abusive environment and a fundamentalist Christianity cult faith. My father was so religious and strict we could not watch nor movies, almost no music unless god related. No sports, just god. And their rolly-polly book. So you are a little caught up. We never went almost anywhere as all things generally related to god. Thus when he asked me if I wanted to go and look around the store. And I was thrilled. All the wonderful things. Not that he was even buying anything for me. In my sad life, just looking at things others could buy thrilled me. I was overjoyed when he sad at the door of the store go on, as he could see my excitement in my eyes

I just stood there. I was not sure if he was kidding. We just looked at each other. Then he said, now run along. I want to be quick. I asked him, dreading him saying, there is no time. I was thinking it is just over there, hopefully he will let me see a few more beautiful things at the store. This was almost like a amusement park in my sad abused mind. When you truly have next to nothing, everything seems special.

So he said again go now and hurry up. I was gone. I felt high drifting off among the shelves of toys I would never own but I could dream and I was dreaming a wonderful day and… I realized it was a few minutes. But he had only given me a few minutes. I was scared, as I calmly but with intent. He was right over there, wasn’t he? I felt dread trickle down me. Wait, was I too long? Had I errored and he was made to look for me? I panic. My heart racing, look up at the clock. But I don’t fully understand how to read it. I am the unwanted thing, the bother, the problem. No need to care about Damien. Let that little beast fend for himself. I was thinking I failed to cut off my looking at all the wonderful colors. I am an artist but lived in an art and creativity dessert.

Just the Bible I could not fully read. I ran outside. I know I will find the car. Relief flooded over me. I speedily pushed past the people trying to get out the door. Free now I can finally look outside. I view the toes of cars. I don’t know what to do. I turn and look back, nothing. Where is my father? I think he is likely worried about where I was, right? I started to doubt. He is very mean to me. No, he would leave me, that is crazy. I only walked away from him like he said, a few minutes. Nothing more. Again I feel as if I have been bad, or done something wrong. I decide I can’t just stand there. So I start walking down the sea of cars. Not having been in many parking lots walking around not making much of it. All the cars and I don’t see mine. I am setting and hot.

Where is my father? I am dreading almost finding him. I think he is going to be so mad. I think if I go back in the store someone else can help me. But then I looked up and down. I don’t know who I should talk to. I am a child statue, I stand and the adults Flow around me as if a rock in a stream. They don’t even notice me. So I look for someone in charge. I ask someone and they said they would help. I was saved. I was reborn. I felt great. Then his face darkened. Sorry, kid, I tried him three times on the loudspeaker. Dread anew. I felt cold chills. I started feeling sick. Did he leave me? Then how could he just leave me? I was just stuck in the store. Where could I go what could I do? What did I do to deserve this? There I sit getting hungry and scarred. I was fully alone. Hours went by. I was the crying statue others didn’t even see. It was almost as if I got smaller.

A bad child in time out. I was morning my sad childhood, when I heard the man who had been ignoring me ever since he had last called for my father. It may have been 3 or so hours. And my father finally called? I first thought I hope he was not mad at me. I eagerly asked what did my father say and when will he be there? He looks scared, what is wrong? Is be hurt? Your father said he decided to go home he had things to work on. He can’t come right now but in an hour or two, he doesn’t know his girlfriend is off work and will go out of her way to get me. How do you know if it’s love?

Medical Neglect

As a child with parents in a cult, I experienced “Medical Neglect”

“Medical neglect is defined as a parent or guardian’s failure to provide adequate medical or dental care for a child. This is particularly applied to cases where medical care is needed to treat a specific injury or illness, and lack of that care seriously jeopardizes the child’s health. This can also be applied to instances where the child is in need of psychiatric help or emotional counseling, and the parent or caregiver refuses to provide it. Under law, medical neglect is considered to be a form of child abuse and is therefore illegal. Parents who are accused of medical neglect, or not providing their children with necessary medical care, can be charged with child abuse.” ref

What Counts as Medical Neglect?

“There are several situations that could be seen as medical neglect by law enforcement or CPS workers, which could result in charges against the parent. The list that follows is not complete, but will provide you with an idea of what kind of situations could result in accusations of medical neglect:

1. refusing to financially support the treatment required for a child’s acute illness, without a good reason.

2. ignoring the recommended advice of a doctor with regards to a treatable or curable condition.

3. failure to administer prescription medication to a child that has been prescribed by a doctor.

4. choosing not to seek medical help for a severely ill child. This could involve a lethargic child with a fever above 103 degrees, or an unresponsive child who has lost consciousness.

5. refusing to take a child to the emergency room when they have sustained a severe injury, like a broken bone, or deep laceration requiring stitches.

There are certainly other situations that CPS or doctors could claim are medical neglect. But these should cover the basics, and give you an idea of what potential scenarios could end in medical neglect charges.” ref

A little on my life: Video

The Tear that Binds

Tears well in the pools of my eyes, slipping free as if a welling from blow demands they move. Then, there they are, slipping over the edge of my eyes, falling with a heaviness that seems to strangle their way down inside me. I feel them sliding down now, a thousand knives of the past sparkle in my mind. Sliding on, I am unraveled with each new drop. Broken free now, they drip off my chin. How long it seems as they rush their way to the earth below. My head swims, throwing me far past this and I see memories flipping past, I am again lost in time… Mom, I will miss you. Love your son…

Shine Baby Shine! 

I talk openly about my child abuse, not to be salacious but as a form of activism against this harm of our children, and to give hope to other broken kids like me. I am not the thing abuse made, I am a shining star of hope arising from the dark stained postcards of my past.

“Child’s Eyes” 

I find a sanctuary of hope, in the Armageddon of my life.
I see a sweet young child and I think if we are all born with love.
Where do we learn to hate?
And why?
I look into the eyes of the young child Only finding a gentle love with an uncorrupted honesty.
I think,
how I wish not to know,
hate!
I wish only for the innocence of love.
I wish the dark postcards of my heart were blank
but how can a piece of wood turn back into a tree?
How can I forget the pain inside of me?
I wish to forget.
I wish to unlearn.
To be cleansed by love and set free.
I look down into the child’s eyes wishing for what I can never have again,
My own innocence, religion you robbed me of that!

Life is to damn short to not be kind. Stay strong.

End abuse… Please!

I was starved as a small child but I sought out information on what grasses or other similar things around me were edible. I have eaten grass due to hunger. I have eaten dog food due to hunger. I ate random berries I thought could be eaten without being sick and I was limited though, I could only forage from the area I was living in of orange county a part of southern California, inner-city California. I cry thinking anyone could do this to any child and sadly that child was me. End abuse… Please!

I hate abuse, the scars others make in a moment, we end up having to wear for a lifetime. 

May I not be a silent watcher as millions of children are subjugated almost before their birth let alone when they can understand “thought” or truly use reason logically and it is such vulnerable innocent minds, which religious fanatics are fond of forcibly coercing, compelled, constrained, and indoctrinated in the mental pollution that religion can be. So my main goal against religion is to fully stop as much as possible forced indoctrination, one could ask but then why do I challenge all adults’ faith? well, who do you think is doing the lying to children in the first place. End Hereditary religion, if it’s a belief let them the equal right to choose to believe.

Am I a survivor?

I fell as you tripped me again and from your hate, I remove myself from such mind and being corruption freely walking into the gates of love so longed for. You have not beaten me, you cannot stop me, you don’t want me to live, to thrive, to be all the best I can be but you hate and yet I am still here, a survivor, a full life liver, a thriver, as well as a warrior for kindness and compassion, reaching the care I was rarely offered, as a gift to the ones so desperately oppressed under your harsh gaze. May we all be free and the positive best we can be, I know I am as best I can. I am here growing stronger every day. Who am I, you ask, I respond loud and proud, I am a survivor and even in these chains from my past, you will not stop me. Sometimes, we need to see the truth, that many people are liars and deniers while claiming they are believers. Once we stop seeing the dignity of others we feel free to violate them with impunity. But when dignity is a friend respect has become one’s path. I am a survivor! I am a Thriver!

(((Content Warning, I talk real about some of my abuse)))

My dad just called about my mother who has been very ill is about to die very soon. My mom has Alzheimer’s not is unresponsive and lays in bead 24-7. I have a rocky time with my mother from her spanking me then telling my father and he would spank me again. And she did not stop my father from abusing me either with her knowing him ad telling on me anyways to me is more harm. She also sexually abused me with excessive enemas and putting her finger in my ass as part of it. Then as she too was being abused by my father she had enough telling us she was leaving. I was so happy I could burst. Well, my bubble burst already when she walked out the door leaving me and my younger brother and sister. I was so broken I thought I would die. I had told my sister and brother that my mom told me we were leaving.

How stupid I was to think her saying she was leaving that we would be going with her. Among us children, we had drawn straws, and How overjoyed I was when my younger brother drew the shortest straw… I didn’t go live with my mom until almost 13 and my abuse from my father got 10 times worse. My father even broke my sacrum and tail bone area by spanking me with a 2×4. I was as you would guess a little resentful to them both for a long time but my mother unlike the scum my father is apologized and strived to make amends to me. So now I am feeling all kinds of feelings from my past. I feel for my mom leaving but I am happy she will go quick. Having Bias Blindness is easy as biases happen without even trying, however, the removing or overcoming of bias takes a lot of work.

You can choose to be anything, so please choose to be kind.

(((Warning contains violence, animal harm, and child abuse)))

Here are the three traumatic things my father did to me: 

1. THE CHRISTMAS TREE EVENT 

My extremely religious fanatic father in a fit of rage and religious anger because my mom dared to buy a Christmas tree and celebrate a pagan holiday like Christmas in his godly home, my father took a long hatchet or an ax (I can’t quite remember which) and Chopped up the Christmas tree with lights and ornaments on it and presents under the tree. I was around 6 years old, just to add a reference. I actually thought he was next going to hurt my mom or us too, it was terrifying. I was not sure if someone was going to get killed next, he was in such a religious rage. Then with the strings of lights dragging across the floor and ornaments rolling everywhere, he crammed parts of the tree into our fireplace. All three of us kids and my mom where crying but my mom begged him at too least save the presents, saying we can give them out on a different day, PLEASE. He calmed just a bit for a fleeting moment and conceded to only save them to not waste money. The smell was strong coming from the fireplace with the thick smoke of undried wood and pine nettles in the air. Speaking of pine nettles, they were popping out of the fireplace and starting small poofs of fire on the carpet below. now I feared the house burning as hot as my father’s religious rage. So, then I cried out to him father please put out the fire it is going to cause the carpet to burn and could burn down the house. He turned to look at me with the long hatchet or an ax. As he turned to me I say his eyes and felt cold run through me, as he had an evil glint in his eyes like saying, “what would make that a bad thing” but then he seemed to catch some amount of sanity and started rushing to stop the fire that threatened to kill us all.

2. The End OF THE CAT

My father was mad at my sister and got his bow and arrow, gathering us kids into the back yard to be taught a lesson of following his orders, I was around 8 or 9 years old just for reference. I thought in terror one of us was going to be harmed or killed I feared deeply for my sister. There we were my brother 5 years younger, my sister 2 years younger and me standing in a line my father stood a few feet away. Next, he pulled back the bow and arrow and the terror increased he looked at us all individually, my brother and sister were shaking I told them don’t look as my father said I am now going to shoot my sister’s cat. My sister was screaming, “NO, please don’t kill her” while she closed her eyes tight to not see my father’s inhumanity. My eyes were open while hers were closed then to my horror my father with evil glee shot the cat. It went halfway then the cat took off running, scampering up over the fence and disappeared screaming. My father laughed and I feared and hated him even more than I ever had before. He was a monster.

3. The 2 X 4 SPANKING

I was around 7 or 8 years old just for reference. My father and his friends were at the table. I was playing under the table because they were avoiding me, and I wanted them to play they had been reading the bible for hours and I had nothing to do. My extremely religious fanatic father was a would not let us have almost any toys nor could we listen to the radio if it was not his religious shows nor tv at all but one hour a week for a nature show called Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. Nor could we go to a friend’s house or have friends over either as he wanted to ensure nothing not religious occurred. A side note we did not celebrate any holidays nether was a big deal made on our birthdays either as my father said all that takes away from glorifying god and acting if a human was in some way special. Back to me under the table, I started taping the men on the legs then scampering away so they could not get me. Doing this I only little more than a few hand swats. They were too busy reading bible verses. So, I started hitting them in the legs than one in the crotch. I did not realize how much that hurt I was just playing rough to be noticed. The man yelped and stood up my father asked what happened he said your sun hit my crotch but don’t worry about it he is just a kid I don’t think he was trying to hurt me he has been hitting our legs playing with us for attention.

My father said no he must learn, and I am going to hurt him, so he never does that again. He grabbed my arm hard pulling me into the garage saying I am going to spank you good raging with anger. He had a long wooden paddle he hit me with almost every other day. He was out of control he had me pull down my pants and bend over. I was crying and shaking in terror. He hit me hard a few times then slammed the paddle into a worktable breaking it. I then thought ok it’s over I was punished and now he broke the paddle. No, he was far from done hitting me he had just started. He was even angrier as it broke. Saying don’t think you are now going to get it easy or something like that. He said that old paddle was too soft of a wood good thing I have been working on an Oak one but haven’t had a chance to test it out yet so you of the three children get to experience it first. I was trembling and already in pain from the hits he had already one. I cried please no but he haply hit me, again and again, each time switching to hit the table with a terrorizing crack saying see this is way better wood. I don’t know how many times he did this, 5 to 8 times, I guess. Then it cracked and was broken too from hitting the worktable. He was even angrier his beloved new paddle. I was sobbing and falling to the ground in pain and fear, thinking what now! He said to get back up there I am not done with you yet. I was scared out of my wits what was he going to use now then I saw his eyes land on a baseball bat size of 2×4.

My heart dropped. He said I am going to use this 2×4 on you and then you will get what you deserve. He hit me and I could hear it cutting the air all the way until it slammed into my rear and upper legs the 2 or so times before my hands went up as the pain was so extreme, like being burned, This was until I in terror put my hands over my rear to shield myself. It was involuntary to protect myself as much as I could. Then the 2×4 slammed into my hands and they almost went numb with pain. He was enraged, saying get your hands out of there then swung higher I will just hit somewhere else that is when with a crack he broke my tailbone and end of my sacrum in my lowest part of my back at the end of my spine it was the most excruciating pain I had ever experienced in my life I feel to the floor in sheer agony shaking like a dying thing. He looked down at me holding the 2×4 in his hand like a bat saying I guess now you have had enough I hope you learned your lesson. I to this day at 48 still feel pain in my tailbone and end of my sacrum. I have had to pain shots to help elevate this, but I have never healed right.    

Positive Parenting and Atheist Parenting Info

Spanking Debate: Positive vs. Negative Discipline

I am Anti Spanking

Father is an “F” word

Ho Father…

I want you to understand what I went through and how your parenting affected me and what it produced. So you can understand what I want is your shame and what evil you need to make amends for.

You may have been my father but you were never my DAD.

I felt fear as a child because of you.

I had to steal to eat as a child because of you.

I felt stupid as a child because of you.

I had to eat dog food as a child because of you.

I had to go to the bathroom outside like a dog as a child because of you.

I felt shame as a child because of you.

I had to break into my own house as a child because of you.

I had no friends as a child because of you.

I was made unsafe as a child because of you.

I felt unlovable as a child because of you.

I felt everything I did was wrong as a child because of you.

I felt mistrust as a child because of you, wrong as a child because of you.

I was humiliated for who I was as a child because of you.

I felt alone because you had babysitters for my brother and sister and not me as a child because of you.

I learned to value hate over love as a child because of you.

I was abused as a child because of you.

I was neglected as a child because of you.

I was abandoned as a child because of you, you took me to a store and intentionally left me.

I was misused made to be your masseur and slave as a child because of you.

I felt I could never be good enough as a child because of you.

I was made into a secondary dad to my siblings and punished for their wrongs as a child because of you.

I never knew love from my father but I did understand hurt as a child because of you.

I lost my sweet innocence as a child because of you.

I feared life more than death at times as a child because of you.

Instead of looking into my father’s eyes and seeing love, I saw selfish darkness.

You committed many sins against me but most of all your biggest problem is you are selfishness. I think that has more to do with why you committed such atrocities and have the problems still today.

so FUCK You for fucking up me…

In my life, I was rapidly abuse, spanked, hit physically, lacked shelter and medically neglected, not properly clothed, emotionally and psychologically abused, abandoned, severely neglected, starved, etc. etc. etc.

I have overcome a lot, had much counseling but I never got to say FUCK YOU ex-father. You didn’t win. I have….

YOUR ex-son

p.s. This is very heartfelt and raw for me, it is me talking to the fucker that was my father but never a dad. I have not talked to him intentionally from about age 23 or so years old…

Art by Damien Marie AtHope

Damien Marie AtHope’s Art

Damien Marie AtHope’s Art

Damien Marie AtHope (Said as “At” “Hope”)/(Autodidact Polymath but not good at math):

Axiological Atheist, Anti-theist, Anti-religionist, Secular Humanist, Rationalist, Writer, Artist, Jeweler, Poet, “autodidact” Philosopher, schooled in Psychology, and “autodidact” Armchair Archaeology/Anthropology/Pre-Historian (Knowledgeable in the range of: 1 million to 5,000/4,000 years ago). I am an anarchist socialist politically. Reasons for or Types of Atheism

My Website, My Blog, & Short-writing or Quotes, My YouTube, Twitter: @AthopeMarie, and My Email: damien.marie.athope@gmail.com